I rarely blog anymore. I am not sure why. It was such a major outlet for me for so long. I have had so many thoughts (mostly muddled) swirling through my brain this past week. For the past several weeks I have longed for quiet and time to myself. I jinxed myself I guess. I have come to realize there is such a thing as too much quiet. Tomorrow marks the 5th birthday of my first born, our beautiful blue eyed boy with the old soul. I can't believe it has been five years. I remember it like it was yesterday. Brent and I were so excited to meet him. We were blissfully naive on what was in store for us. Sometimes I still long for that. Mack has been in the hospital since Tuesday. I'm heartbroken over the fact that my sweet little guy is spending his 5th birthday in the hospital. I doubt this will be the only time. I spent the last two nights in my son's twin size bed, crying myself to sleep (I can't sleep without my husband anyway). Once morning arrives, the little monster and I have breakfast, and play for a little bit before heading up to the hospital to see Mack (and Brent). I love him so.
We did it! You made it! You are almost five years old. Most days you act like your 45. You are so wise, calm, and caring. You have defied the odds. You are my hero. I hope that you never doubt for a second the love I have for you. I would go to hell and back for you, and I have many times. After my accident/recovery I vowed that I would never walk the halls of a hospital again (not realistic but true) but I have. I have done it more times than I can count because I love you. And you love me. Today when my PTSD started creeping up on me, rearing it's ugly head and daring me to melt down, you took my hand in your small scarred/scabby one and said, "go away bad dreams. Leave my mama alone." I am your biggest fan. I so admire and respect you. Thank you for choosing to live. Thank you for trying. I just know that you are going to do such amazing things with your life. I love you...to the moon and back.
Mom (your grownup)